Complex Kisses (Here & Now Book 1) Read online

  Despite his complete lack of shame, he’s asked the same question I’ve been asking myself since I walked through the door. Drifting through the rooms of my childhood home I repeatedly asked myself - what the hell am I really doing here?

  “My dad’s in the hospital.”

  “Yeah. I’d heard about that. Sorry, princess. I know that’s probably not an easy thing.”

  How is he capable of mixing assholery and empathy into one sentence like that? And so smoothly, too. Not sure what to say next, I just shrug my shoulders.

  Somehow, misconstruing my response as an invitation, Dylan takes another step toward me, his hungry expression almost painful.

  One step is as far as he gets. His stride stops abruptly. An odd look of confusion, or shock, or maybe even anger takes over his features.

  “Who’s this?” He barks with unconvincing authority.

  A glance over my shoulder finds Eric standing just a few steps behind me. He’s directing a slightly murderous look of his own toward our unexpected guest.

  “Oh!” I fake enthusiasm, looking back to Dylan. “I’m so sorry. Dylan, this is my boyfriend, Eric!” I exclaim, putting a little extra emphasis on the word boyfriend.

  “What?” Dylan glares at me.

  What? Oh shit.

  I’m not sure where that came from.

  I just know that I don’t want to deal with this big idiot of a man right now. He’s going to want much more from me than I’m able, or willing, to give. Again.

  Dylan McCoy always leads to terrible lapses in my judgment.

  Why does he have to be so difficult? So single minded? I wish for once, he could just chill out and make things easy. I wish that he’d stop thinking with his dick – stop trying to make me think about it too. I need him to take me seriously because, despite loathing many things about him, I’ll be forever connected to him. He’s the father of my child, after all. But he’s also an asshat. A big, sexy, smooth-talking asshat, who now apparently wears one of the hottest uniforms known to womankind on a daily basis. Go figure.

  Standing frozen with uncertainty, a huge dose of fear courses through my body. That is, until a large strong arm wraps around my hip.

  Eric, like a knight in shining armor, comes to my rescue, upholding the lie that just spewed from my mouth. His firm hand grasps me, pulling me toward his side, placing his claim on me. Just like a real boyfriend.

  For a moment, I want to stop pretending and make it all real. I want to stake my claim on him so that I can experience a million more of his kisses. Kisses like the one we shared just a moment ago. God, that amazing kiss.

  I wish things in life were different. That Eric were actually mine. That I could be his. But, as I daydream about boyfriends and kisses, I wonder what’s going through Eric’s mind. Whatever he’s thinking, it can’t be too good. I’ve acted like a complete psychopath since meeting him.

  He’s a good guy. Hell, he’s a great guy.

  Great guys like him don’t put up with lying, crazy women like me.

  With all the adrenaline rushing through my body, I start to involuntarily shake. My jumbled emotions and the anxiety of this situation are too much to process. The scary-as-hell aching’s resumed its torture hold on my chest. Stress. It’s seriously messing with me.

  “Whoa, beautiful,” Eric whispers in my ear, “Don’t pass out on me yet.”

  Turning to Dylan, he confidently offers his hand.

  “Hi Dylan. Good to meet you.”

  As he stares down at Eric’s outstretched arm, I can Dylan’s brain working to catch up. Looking back at me with a mix of hurt and disdain, his acceptance of the handshake is halfhearted at best.

  “Hey,” Dylan mumbles.

  “So, is there a problem officer?” Eric prompts.

  “What?” Dylan asks dumbly, still staring at me like I’m a puzzle he has no hope of ever solving.

  “Well, since you didn’t know we were here … and you were knocking on the door …”

  “Oh, yeah. One of the neighbors called in a concern. Said they noticed an unfamiliar person snooping around Frank’s house. Well, since we all know he’s not in the best of shape, we decided it was a good idea to come check things out.”

  “Well, you’ve definitely checked things out.” Eric’s sarcasm, unmistakable.

  “Yes. I have. Checked things out,” Dylan taunts wickedly. “Things seem to be fine. Very, very fine. Finest I’ve ever seen them.”

  Holy shit.

  This situation just keeps getting more and more unbelievable. What’s next? Will Jerry Springer jump in to supply a folding chair as a weapon? There hasn’t been this much drama in my life since the last time I let Dylan McCoy into it.

  “It’s just me,” I mumble.

  With their pseudo-fight interrupted, both men turn to me.

  “Yeah, Jamie,” Dylan says softly, “I see you.” With no contempt or condescension, it sounds more like a painful sigh coming from his lips. It sounds like so much more than I want to hear right now. It sounds like he’s telling me that he’s aware. That he’s sorry. That despite the man glued to my side, Dylan’s not done trying to win me back.

  Eric’s answering sigh fills the room and my unsteady legs decide to finally give out from under me.

  * * *

  Dylan and I both jump into action as Jamie tips slightly forward, her hand clutched tightly to her chest. With my arm already secure around her waist, I scoop her up easily. Dylan doesn’t seem too pleased by this. I don’t care. It’s easy to ignore his hostile glare - Jamie’s my priority, not protecting his ego.

  Lifting her fully into my arms, I cradle her close to my body. She tries pushing me off, telling me that she’s fine, insisting that I put her down.

  I doubt she’s fine. It’s more likely that she’s completely overwhelmed. Anyone would be, given her circumstance - Jamie’s just too stubborn to show it. She’s gotten good at hiding, pretending that everything’s good, even when it obviously isn’t. I may not know her well, but I’ve peered behind the veil. Witnessing just one moment of her raw, desperate vulnerability makes me feel like we’re connected. Like I can tell when she’s telling the truth, when she’s lying, and when she’s hiding. Watching her now, is like a mirror of my own self-preservation.

  I don’t think she’s been taking proper care of herself, either. We sat through lunch in the cafeteria and she didn’t eat a thing. She’s been worrying about everyone else - her dad, my brother, me, the guy she left behind. And now she has Dylan to contend with? I have a feeling Jamie doesn’t often put herself first, if ever.

  Doing my duty as her boyfriend, I carry her back into the living room and lay her down on the couch. The same couch where I kissed her just a short while ago.

  Damn, that kiss. Knowing she probably has a real boyfriend wasn’t enough to stop me. Before kissing her, I’d shut off my morals, convinced myself that regrets are for other people - the ones who don’t live their lives one day at a time.

  And then I just went for it. Dove in, lips first.

  That kiss. Holy fucking fuck. That kiss was unbelievable.

  It’s like my brain was a dark tunnel and kissing Jamie switched a light on at the end of it.

  Dylan follows behind us, as I place her gently on the couch.

  “I’m okay,” she insists, attempting to sit up.

  No way in hell am I going to let her go anywhere. I have a strange feeling that she’d be running really far away right now, if her body would allow it. It’s one thing I’ve noticed about her – she always seems to be on the edge of her seat, one eye on the door.

  “Not yet.” I firmly hold her shoulder to the seat cushion. Smoothing her hair out of her face, I murmur, “I think it’s probably a good idea to just give yourself a minute. Alright, beautiful?”

  Making his contempt evident, Dylan grumbles under his breath. He’s probably pissed off that my pet name for Jamie is so much better than his. Princess is totally lame and condescending. Or, possibly he’s just plain j
ealous of me. Either way, the guy’s proving how easily he outranks me in the d-bag category.

  “What can I get for you,” I ask Jamie, ignoring the disdain from Dylan.

  “Nothing. I’m fine, really,” she asserts, the color returning to her face.

  “Okay. Fine. Why don’t you sit up, slowly?”

  Making sure to put my hand behind her head, I help pull her to a sitting position, but quickly decide that’s simply not enough. I need to sit beside her, so I can wrap my arm around her again. I can fool myself into believing that I’m doing it so she can lean on me but the pathetic truth is that I just want to be close to her.

  “How’s that?”

  The blush crawling up her neck and face gives her an incredible look of innocence. I wonder if she’s embarrassed that she almost fainted, or if it’s being close to me again that has her blood rushing? Unfortunately, we have an unwelcome audience, so it’s impossible for me to find out.

  “Jamie, are you sure you’re alright, princess?” Fucker asks.

  Well, he’s persistent, I’ll give him that. Too bad he’s also an idiot. Can’t he see Jamie cringing every time he calls her that? Did he miss the part where she eagerly introduced me as her boyfriend? Or is he really so full of himself that he just doesn’t care? The caveman persona is clearly his forte. I have a feeling his aggressive nature isn’t solely a byproduct of the uniform.

  If I had to guess, I'd say this guy doesn’t get told no very often. I bet that’s the exact reason I've been cast in the boyfriend role by Jamie.

  Boyfriend. It’s a role I’m more than willing to play. I’ve definitely got the experience to pull it off. I played it for two and a half years with Amanda - that relationship was basically as fake as the one I’m currently in with Jamie. Although, I never once felt the crazy, out of control urges in my real relationship that I do with Jamie. And it’s only taken is a couple of days to feel this way. A couple of days and some of the deepest emotions I’ve ever shared.

  Maybe my building desire for Jamie isn’t real. Maybe I just feel this way because I’m so torn up over what’s happening with Caleb. Maybe the implosion of my life, the way I knew it, is having a larger impact on my emotions than I realize.

  Maybe Jamie’s just a really good distraction.

  It doesn’t feel that way.

  It feels like she’s is implanting herself into my brain, taking over my thoughts and feelings. Like she’s helping me deal with all the other messed up parts of life by simply showing me I’m not alone with my pain.

  I want to stop torturing myself and just clear the air with her. Find out if that kiss meant anything at all to her. But first, we need to deal with Dylan.

  “I’m fine, I’m fine,” she says, waving Dylan off, “You just really shocked me, especially in that uniform.” Smiling and brushing it off, Jamie’s putting her brave face on again. “I’ve been stressed out over dad. It’s been an emotional week. But, I guess you and I should probably talk about a few things.” She trails off, turning to me with a look that tells me she needs to face this next part on her own.

  Nodding my head, I quietly tell her, “I’ll get you a glass of water.”

  Getting water is never an all-day task, but the line of bottled water in the fridge takes me all of thirty seconds to find. I’m not sure how much time I’m supposed to give them. When I realize that I can still hear everything they’re saying through the open doorway, I hesitantly decide to stand out of sight and listen in.

  “Is everything really okay? Tell me what you need from me.”

  With the bravado dropped, Dylan sounds truly concerned about her. Maybe he isn’t a complete cocky prick after all.

  “It's a little late for that, don't you think?” Jamie states in a wary, yet resigned tone.

  “Why would it be too late? It’s never too late, Jamie. How many times do I have to tell you that? Besides, I'm here. Right now, I'm here.”

  “Dylan … I’m not the one who needs you. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

  “That’s right! I almost forgot. You don't want me! I’m not good for anything more than a nice hard screw from time to time. How stupid of me. I’ve never been good enough for you, have I? Heck, I’m obviously still not good enough for you.”

  Shit. Maybe I shouldn’t be listening to this, after all. My blood boils at the thought of Jamie being with this guy. Jealousy isn’t my typical thing, but I’d be an absolute liar if I didn’t admit to being bothered by the thought of Dylan with his hands on her.

  “I haven’t seen you in over a year! If you were feeling used … Well, you’re probably right. It wasn’t intentional, but I probably was using you in those moments. I’m sorry. I’m human.”

  Hearing her admit this, for some reason, makes me feel much better. Maybe I’ve been incorrectly casting Jamie as the victim. Maybe she really doesn’t need the protection I feel driven to provide her.

  “You could have said something. You could have done something to change it,” she continues, “There was a point when I wanted more from you. You know that. But I don’t feel that way anymore, Dylan.”

  “Yeah, I know. You’ve told me over and over. It’s been a long time since you and me were anything significant. I do know that. I’d just always thought you’d change your mind.”

  “I’m not going to change my mind. I just want you to do the right thing.”

  “I know. You have told me over and over again. I get it, alright? But I don’t know how you expect me to do the right thing when you live so damn far away. I still have a life too, you know. But, believe it or not, I have put thought into it. I just wanted to make the whole thing work, with you too,” Dylan argues.

  Well, that’s cryptic as hell. Do the right thing? What does that mean?

  With a heavy sigh, Dylan adds, “I really wasn’t prepared for you to have a new guy. He does seem like he's good at taking care of you, though.”

  “Yeah, Eric is really good at that. He’s taken the best care of me the past couple of days. Really, he’s done a lot for me. He doesn’t even realize how much. He’s kind of amazing, actually.”

  A surge of undeserved pride fills me up with her truthful sounding words. It feels unbelievably good to think she might really feel that way.

  “Yeah, I get it Jamie. Thanks for rubbing it in. Doesn’t mean I’ll give up hope you know.”

  “Dylan ….” Jamie says, with another pained sigh.

  “Don’t worry. I’m not going to push you. But what about Hunter?”

  Hunter? Who the hell is Hunter? Is he the other guy I’ve been in mental competition with? The one Jamie’s been missing all this time? And why the hell would Jamie introduce me as her boyfriend, if Dylan knows about this Hunter guy?

  “What about Hunter?” Jamie’s tone is pure defense.

  “Does he know what’s going on here? You didn’t bring him.” The last part is definitely more a statement than a question.

  “No. I didn't want him here. I didn't know what to expect. I really wasn't expecting all this.”

  “Well, what were you expecting?”

  “I don’t know. I guess, I was prepared for a different kind of battle, you know?”

  “Ah, Jamie.” Dylan sounds almost sorrowful. “Things change, princess. People change.”

  With a pause in their conversation, I can't stand lurking anymore. Surely they know I’ve been listening to every word of this incredibly confusing conversation. At least I understand the basic nature of Jamie and Dylan’s relationship now. But overall, eavesdropping kind of sucks. I still only have a handful of half-assed facts about her.

  She’s twenty-seven.

  She loves this house.

  She’s missing a guy, who may or may not be named Hunter.

  Her ex-boyfriend is a bit of a prick – and also happens to be a cop.

  She kissed me like a mother-fucking champion.

  Walking into the room, I hand Jamie the bottle of water and stand towering over her and Dylan as they star
e each other down. Jamie’s backed away from him as much as the couch will allow, her arms crossed over her chest in silent defense. Dylan’s aggressively leaning into her from his perch on the coffee table. They aren’t touching but Dylan could change that with the shift of a wrist.

  It kind of pisses me off.

  It’s obvious there’s a lot more to their story than I know. And, lord help me, despite the incredibly horrible timing of things, I want to find out. I want to know everything there is to know about Jamie.

  Is it completely absurd that I can’t stop thinking about that boyfriend title she’s thrown my way?

  For a moment I falter, wondering if she really is just diverting my attention from more important things. Shouldn’t my brother and my family take precedence over a pursuing a woman I barely know?

  Probably.

  Jamie just feels so necessary.

  Goddammit, I need to lock these feelings down. At least until I can hash it all out with her. I’ll just have to keep reminding myself that she’s got another man. Plus, Dylan.

  At least, that’s what I’ll try to remember the next time I’m struck with the temptation to physically assault her with my mouth.

  Or any other body part.

  “Thank you, Eric.” Cutting her eye contact with Dylan, she looks up at me as she accepts the water. Her expression, one of deep reaching gratitude, hits me square in the chest. Necessary or not, distraction or not, spending this time with her is extremely gratifying.

  “Okay. Well, I need to get going,” Dylan announces, “Are you going to be staying here, Jamie?”

  “Here?”

  “Yeah. Here, in your dad’s place. Will you be staying here?” It sounds like he’s asking a lot more with that question.

  Jamie must have heard it too, because the look on her face is pure conflict.

  “I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it. But I’ll let you know,” I don’t like that answer. Cop or not, I don’t think this guy deserves to be kept in the loop on her decisions.

  Jamie follows Dylan to the door, saying a curt “Goodbye”, while I pace the living room floor, working up the nerve to tell her everything on my mind.