Complex Kisses (Here & Now Book 1) Page 16

  “Hello,” Jamie says politely, with a reserved and cautious tone that contradicts the fun, carefree woman she was only yesterday.

  “Hi,” Celeste says back, not in any way pleased to meet her.

  “So, I guess you haven’t heard the news about me and Amanda?” I ask, casually. “She left me.”

  The breath of air that Jamie takes is practically a gasp. I guess I’d kind of left that part out before. The part where, the decision to end the relationship hadn’t been solely my own.

  “What happened?” What did you do?” Celeste accuses.

  “What did I do?” I sneer back. “I told her that I was quitting my job and selling the condo because my family needed me. I told her that family would always be more important than where I lived or what I did for a living. I told her that I didn’t care if we ever got married because I didn’t love her, and never would. I told her that if she cared for me at all, even just as another human being, she’d understand why I had to be here right now, why it was the only choice.”

  I take a fortifying breath before continuing, “And then when she threatened to leave me, I told her to go ahead, since one of us had to do the leaving anyway.”

  “Wow,” Jamie breathes.

  “Yeah. I agree with her.” Celeste points her manicured finger to Jamie. “Holy fucking wow, Eric.”

  Celeste has a moment of quiet contemplation, her brow creased with thought and worry. That’s the thing about her overbearing bitchiness - it all comes from a place of love. My sister may enjoy knocking me down but she’d be first in line to defend me if someone else tried it.

  Looking down to Jamie, I attempt to gauge her full reaction to everything I just said. She looks a little lost in thought too, but her gaze is fixed on me, her eyes searching mine - for what, I don’t know.

  “Well, despite your early mid-life crisis big brother - you had no business running off and leaving mom and dad here alone. By the time Marc and I got in, mom was in full panic mode. Dad was beyond himself trying to keep her calm. You should have been here.”

  “I have been here, Celeste. I’ve been here for the past five months helping them manage.”

  “They needed you here yesterday. You need to get your priorities straight. No offense to you Jamie - but Eric, the last thing you need to be doing is running around with some young girl you just met.”

  This infuriates me and riddles me with doubt at the same time. Is she right? Have I royally messed up by not being here when I was needed most? I don’t think so. What more could I have done to help the situation? My siblings haven’t been involved the way I have. They won’t be involved the way I will be in the coming days and weeks. And Caleb needs less stress, not more. He needs rest. Truly, that’s what we all need.

  But Celeste has this crazy way of making me believe the guilt trip she’s riding me with. That old feeling of living up to the expectations set for me, starting to creep back in.

  My sister’s belittling, derisive behavior has a way of sinking into my subconscious. This time’s no different, and I realize the confusion has me loosening my hold of Jamie’s hand. The beautiful girl I didn’t want to break contact with is now holding on to me - I’ve somehow stopped holding on to her. What am I doing? Letting my uptight, tyrannical sister, who likes to direct and never get her hands dirty, impact yet another part of my life?

  No. Fuck that.

  My days of playing puppet are over. I have a choice, and I’m choosing my own path this time.

  “Well, Celeste. I see you’re as blunt as always. Even though you’re completely out of line, you still call it how you see it. I guess some people find that an admirable quality. I just think it makes you sound like a bitch.”

  The shock that resonates on my sister’s face is titanic. She’s never experienced me standing up for myself and she obviously doesn’t know how to react.

  “And by the way,” I continue, reasserting my grip on Jamie’s hand. “Jamie’s not a young girl. She’s a twenty-seven-year-old single mother, who’s smart and strong and compassionate. She’s been kind enough to share her time with me while we each deal with some pretty momentous and crappy things that are happening in our lives.”

  Jamie makes a strangled sort of choking noise. I’m not sure if she’s afraid of the repercussions of what I’ve said, it sounds more like she’s holding back laughter.

  My sister just keeps staring at me with her mouth wide open.

  So, I keep going, “And, just to keep you in the loop, little sister, I plan on spending a lot more time with her, assuming she doesn’t run far away after this fun little encounter. And since Caleb adores her, if you do scare her away you’ll have one very sad little brother on your hands. And one really pissed off older brother too.”

  Jamie breaks down in a fit of laughter, attempting to hide it by burrowing into my chest. Celeste just scrunches up her face, looking like a little girl about to throw a temper tantrum. Actually, she kind of reminds me of the kid that Jamie and I encountered the other day at the lookout tower - standing with her hands on her hips, like she should be in charge of something, frustrated as hell that she’s not. That thought has me joining Jamie in a silent laughter of my own.

  With a frustrated and audible sigh, Celeste turns around and marches back to Caleb’s room, her sandy brown hair swinging violently behind her. Yelling over her shoulder, she demands, “Get your shit together before you come in here - Caleb’s not feeling well and Marc helped dad take mom home, so she could take a sedative and rest. It’s just you and me. Caleb doesn’t need this childish shit.”

  Her words sober me quickly. Caleb not feeling well does all sorts of ugly things to my insides.

  “Maybe I should just go see my dad and let you deal with things here. I don’t want to cause trouble, especially not if Caleb’s feeling bad.” Jamie wants to run away already and it really does piss me off.

  “No. Just come in and say hello to him. It’ll help him feel better. Please, Jamie.” I’m not above begging and using my sick little brother as an excuse to keep her with me.

  “But what about your sister?”

  “What about her? You don’t think I can handle her?”

  “No, I’m sure you can. I just don’t want her to hate me, and I especially don’t want her to take it out on you.”

  Cupping her face in my hands, my fingers brushing over her cheeks, I ask, “Worried about me, beautiful girl?”

  “Of course I am. Spending time together was supposed to help, not make things worse. I don’t want to be the cause of any more problems for you, Eric. You have more than your fair share,”

  It seems like our single day of carefree living will have repercussions, after all. I just don’t want any of it to touch her. “The only thing to worry about is making sure I get to leave here with you at the end of this day.” I kiss her softly. “I can’t get enough of you.”

  Her whole body melts into mine as she wraps her arms fully around me, hugging me tightly. “I don’t think we need to worry about that,” she murmurs into my chest. “I haven’t had enough of you yet, either.”

  My body’s heated from her touch, my mind filling with thoughts about what I’m going to do to with her when I get her back in bed tonight. But my heart feels chilled from just one word she spoke. That inevitable word - yet.

  What have I done to myself?

  Maybe living in the moment has a few more downsides than I realized. Not wanting to look forward, or deal with any of my tomorrows, means that I’ve agreed to keep this thing between Jamie and me temporary. She’s told me she doesn’t know where she’s headed next. For all I know, she’s got one foot out the door already. My lack of foresight has given her the ability to walk out and close that door whenever she wants.

  What happens when she decides she’s had enough? What happens when the only thing holding her here is no longer a factor?

  What happens if I don’t want her to go?

  * * *

  Interloper, fraud, liar. So many na
mes to call myself. None of them harsh enough to suit.

  I’ve agreed to no more pretending with Eric but holding his hand and acting like I have no interest in him, other than friendship and sex that I’ve promised, makes me feel like a con-artist. No matter how many times I remind myself, this is not my real life, my real life is waiting for me back in Toronto, I still can’t stop daydreaming about the possibility of something more.

  Celeste’s accusations may have been directed at Eric, but I feel like the true onus is mine. I’ve been so selfish, taking up his time, keeping him away from his family. The whole idea that I was helping him by keeping his mind off his troubles seems absolutely ludicrous. All I’ve been doing is playing house with a man who’s probably in a worse mental state than I am. If I was a good and decent person I’d walk away from him now, before it’s too late. Before I hurt him. Before I hurt myself.

  But it feels like it might already be too late.

  Everything is so chaotic.

  Walking into Caleb’s room has me nervous all over again, just like the first time. This time might actually be worse, after Celeste’s condemnation. At least I have the lifeline of Eric’s hand in mine to lend me strength. But the moment we walk through that door and see Caleb looking so distressingly weak and unwell, I know that the strength needs to flow the other way. I can’t steal it from Eric, I need to dig deep and find a reserve of hidden fortitude. He’s going to need it.

  What little I can see of Caleb is very distressing. He’s completely drained of color and despite being curled into a ball under a thick looking blanket, is visibly shaking. His eyes are closed but he’s not resting. He’s fighting off pain, or maybe nausea, with his eyes screwed up tight. He looks like Hunter did the last time he had the flu, only about a million times worse. This is not the fun, vivacious, trouble making teenager that I met before. This is a child who needs love and support.

  “Hey bro, I brought you a visitor,” Eric half-whispers.

  Opening his eyes, Caleb struggles to put his game face on. When he sees me he smiles weakly and starts to silently laugh.

  “I knew you’d be back,” he says softly, “I’m too damn irresistible.”

  “You’re too damn something,” Celeste scolds, “You need to rest Caleb, visiting isn’t really on the agenda.”

  “Lighten up Cece,” Caleb sighs back. “I’ve been tied to this bed for days. All the resting is making me stir crazy. Besides, having a visit from this angel is making me feel better already.”

  Celeste shoots Eric a dirty look, like he’s somehow at fault for Caleb’s decision to stand up against her. Eric returns a tight smile that has a definite don’t mess with me kind of vibe. I stop paying attention to their silent argument because Caleb has his eyes glued on me, and as much as he’s trying to show me that he’s doing good, it’s really clear to me that he’s not.

  I give Eric’s hand a quick squeeze before letting him go. I move to Caleb’s side, taking his hand, instead. He’s clammy and weak, the press of his hand less than half the strength of my own.

  “I don’t have any pudding to share,” I say to him softly. His eyes fill with tears before he closes them tightly again. “But I’ll do whatever I can to make sure that we get to see your smile again. The real one.”

  “As long as you keep smiling, then I will too. Are you done missing that other guy yet?”

  “No. But I’ll never be done missing him. He’s pretty special. Do you want to hear about him?”

  “Is he going to make me as jealous as Eric does?”

  “Maybe.” I smile with thoughts of my boy and how much alike he and Caleb really are. “His name is Hunter. He’s nine years old. He’s my son, and aside from meeting you and your brother, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  “Really?” He smiles, almost brightly. “Meeting me is the second best thing?”

  “Open your ears, dude,” Eric teases, “She said meeting you and ME.”

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever Eric … we all know she just put you in there to make you feel better,” he answers as sarcastically as he can muster. “Tell me all about him Jamie, please?”

  With a laugh I continue to tell Caleb some stories about Hunter. I wipe the sweat from his face and neck while I describe how Hunter loves music and plays in the school band, and how he definitely did not acquire his musical capability from me. I try to feed Caleb ice chips as I discuss with him the advantages of letting Hunter have a dog, and the disadvantages of having a dog in my tiny Toronto apartment. As I softly rub Caleb’s back I go into my long winded explanation of how I think Hunter won’t be a flirt, but will still break hearts because of how devoted he’ll be to just one woman. I try to get Caleb’s perspective on whether I should be encouraging my kid to play baseball this summer in addition to taking the woodworking class, but realize when I don’t get a response that he’s fallen asleep.

  Sleeping, he looks so sweet and innocent - a reminder of how young he really is.

  An overwhelming feeling of deep gratitude hits me. This boy chose to reach out to me. This incredibly ill child recognized my tormented solitude and put his own suffering aside. He’s such an amazing person. I feel sick, knowing how fragile he is, how precarious his situation. God, his poor parents. I don’t know how they can possibly manage. If it was my son lying in this hospital bed, waiting for the next round of treatment that could either save his life, or possibly kill him …

  No. I can’t even entertain that thought. Just being separated from Hunter put me in a tail-spin of anxiety and worry. I think I might go completely insane if something this horrible were to ever happen.

  At least the Andersons have each other. They may not always agree, or get along completely, but at least they’re all here. Even Celeste, with her burly attitude seems to genuinely care about her family. I haven’t even met Marc, but if he’s here helping his parents, he must be like the rest of his siblings. And, even in the short amount of time I spent with Sylvie and Glenn, I could tell they were holding each other up. They have love. The five of them make a strong family unit.

  “You’re really good with him,” Celeste says softly from her seat in the corner.

  Besides a couple of short responses from Caleb, I’m the only one who’s done any talking in this room for the past thirty minutes, or more. Celeste and Eric just sat and listened as I chatted Caleb’s ear off with trivial nonsense.

  “I think he was just exhausted. Hopefully his body will start to heal while he sleeps.” I have no idea what I’m talking about, but if feels necessary to make reassurances. For her as well as for me.

  “No, Jamie. Cece’s right,” Eric cuts in, “You’re so relaxed around him. Talking with him like that, making him feel like it was just a normal conversation.”

  “It was a normal conversation. He’s a normal kid, why wouldn’t I have a normal conversation with him?”

  “Excuse me,” Celeste chokes out, sounding like she’s on the verge of tears. “I’m just going to go use the washroom. And maybe call home. Will you be here later, Jamie?”

  “I don’t think so. I need to go see my father.”

  “Oh. Well, thank you,” she mumbles, shaking her head in an odd sort of disbelief. “I wasn’t expecting you to be so … wow. Maybe I’ll see you another time.” With that, she quickly rushes out the door, leaving Eric and me alone with a sleeping Caleb.

  “Did I do something to upset her?” I ask, a bit dumbstruck by her reaction.

  “I think she probably felt bad about how rude she was earlier. You just proved my point about why my family is so in love with you.”

  “Your family barely knows me, Eric. I’ve met your parents once.”

  “They loved you. Even Cece will love you now, and she’s impossible to please. Trust me.”

  “I do trust you but I think you’re hyping me up just a bit too much. Your parents wouldn’t be able to pick me out of a lineup. There’s no way any of this is sinking in. If I was in their shoes …” I can’t finish th
at sentence. If I was in their shoes I’d be sitting here in this room all alone, dying a little more each day.

  Wrapping his arms around my shoulders, Eric pulls me into his comforting embrace. I want to stay here and pretend that everything is fine, that my dad’s not going to die any day now, that Caleb’s not so sick he can’t talk without pain, that Eric and I have a chance at staying together. But I’m going to promise myself, no more lying. Just like I promised to stop pretending with Eric. It’s time to start coming to terms with reality.

  “Thank you for believing in me, Eric.”

  “Thank you for trusting me, Jamie.”

  “I think we already went over the trust thing, didn’t we?” I smile at him.

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Is that strange?”

  “Is what strange?”

  “For us to trust each other so implicitly? So soon?”

  I hadn’t thought much about this, until now. Trusting Eric feels so easy. He’s been standing up for me, watching over me, from the moment we first met. But why on earth he’d trust me, I have no clue.

  “Maybe. It’s probably got something to do with all the drama I’ve put you through. You’ve seen my ugly side.”

  “It hasn’t been bad. Even your ugly side is beautiful.” I blush at the intimate way he says those words, and the deep meaning I hear in his voice.

  His lips are on mine, like lightning. A fierce, burning hunger threatens to incinerate me. My entire core heats, like molten lava. Kissing him back with passionate abandon, I’m consumed by how good this is.

  God, the things he makes me feel.

  Scary things.

  Things that are pushing my boundaries, changing my view of the world, shifting the balance of my life. Feelings that will stay with me, long after I leave here.

  How the heck am I supposed to go back and just pick up where I left off - act like none of this ever happened? How did I manage to make life even more complicated than it was before?

  * * *

  My dad looks like he’s dead and it’s starting to freak me the fuck out. In the five hours that I’ve been sitting here with him, he’s barely stirred.